Hal Cruttenden

The former London Welsh mini, once praised by a Lions legend for his passing, is now better known for his comedy, his passion for Saracens and telling Ugo Monye he wasn’t very good at rugby. 

I’m a Johnny-come-lately, glory-hunting nightmare. I came late to Saracens, watching my first game in about 2005. But I used to go to all the internationals with my dad from when I was ten, so most of the eighties I was going to see England.

I played at London Welsh and at school, but I have knees that are chronic. My knee caps aren’t stable, and I had to have about three operations. So I retired at sixteen with my knee caps around the side of my leg and it does make me really sad.

I threw one really good pass. I was at London Welsh, and I had good and bad seasons, I was great when I was twelve and thirteen, rubbish when I was fourteen, rubbish again at fifteen. One thing I always quote, and this is pathetic, but John Dawes saw me playing at thirteen and said that was the best pass I’ve seen from a kid that age. He said that to my dad, and he was ‘wow’, and was really hopeful, but I had kneecaps that wouldn’t stay in my sockets.

My fly-half was Neil Kinnock’s son. I don’t know why I played for London Welsh as I had no connections and I was the only England supporter, I think I’ve got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about Wales because of all the ribbing at a young age. But Stephen Kinnock was my fly-half back then, he was Neil Kinnock’s son, so we’d go and play games and people would say ‘why is the Labour leader watching our game?’.

I feel guilty about achieving nothing at rugby. I always feel slightly ashamed that I don’t  play, I asked Nick Mullins the other day, ‘were you rubbish at rugby?’ He said, ‘yeah I’m terrible, I finished at eighteen or nineteen’. But I feel guilty about having done nothing, yet I can look at Danny Cipriani and criticise him for jumping out of tackles, yet that’s exactly what I used to do!

I was five when I went to my first international. I’ve still got the programme and it was 1975, England v Scotland, I think it was 7-7, no it was 7-6, we won! And the England flanker that day, Dave Rollitt ended up teaching me maths at O-level. That excitement though, I absolutely loved it, my dad got me totally hooked on it. And tries were so rare, that excitement of the crowd rising, stays with me. I think that’s why we all love sport, because we’re hooked on those childhood memories.

I stopped going to rugby when my dad died. It’s quite psychological, but he passed away when he was younger than I am now, in 1990, and he’d been so involved at London Welsh, they were his mid-life crisis and, because of him, and that connection, I didn’t see a live rugby match for about fifteen years. I did watch on tv, but I didn’t go to a game until 2005 and Saracens. 

Saracens became my mid-life crisis. You start loving the club and the players too much, and get too excited if they follow you on Twitter. I moved to north London and some of the dads of the kids at school got me to a game. It was Gloucester and the fans were pretty mean. I find them really annoying, they think they’re funny, but they’re just rude. 

I’m still a bit old school though, I don’t like people cheering other people’s mistakes. Although people were rude in the old days too, they still booed kickers in Paris or Cardiff – if it was the English – but I’ve always been one to applaud the opposition on and off. I’ve still got my dad’s manners ringing in my ears. 

I found the abuse quite hard to deal with around the salary cap. Sarries get so much abuse, and there’s all this pontificating nonsense as if all us were rubbing our hands, thinking ‘oh, we’re getting away with this’. It really annoys me.

Charlie Hodgson was my daughter’s favourite player. She loved him. And for me Schalk Brits was one of my favourites, I loved that guy. I remember watching him after a game running around smiling. I loved the way he played rugby, but I loved how he was so happy. I said to him once, ‘you play one of the toughest positions in rugby, yet you’re always smiling?’ And he said: ‘the only thing bad about this life is injuries, what’s there not to smile about? You’re playing rugby for fun!’.

I've always underestimated Vincent Koch because he doesn't look mean enough. He's got such a nice face, a lovely face and I always think I’m surprised when I realise he's a really good player. If he looked uglier or had that psycho look like Joe Marler, you know that dangerous edge. But I’m that shallow, that because he looks so friendly, I think I’d like to pack down against Vincent Koch. 

I think Exeter are a lovely club and I love some of their players. I love people like Jack Nowell, he’s a brilliant a player, although I don’t want to like Sam Simmonds because he’s taken Billy Vunipola’s place in the squad. It’s actually Worcester Warriors fans that make the nastiest comments to me on Twitter, because I made too many jokes about them being rubbish last season.

I want Leicester to be good. I’m glad they’re back. Traditionally I wanted to beat them, because they were good, but it wasn’t the same when they were rubbish. I grew up in a world where Leicester were good at rugby, Liverpool were good at football, the All Blacks were the best in the world in rugby, and Brazil were the best football team in the world. I want Leicester to be a top four team now because it’s traditional, even if we beat them! I’m very fond of Bath too, I kind of feel sorry for them. Oh my god isn’t that the worse thing? When a rival fan feels pity for you!

Richard Hill has an aura about him. I was completely in awe of him when I met for the first time. Every time he got injured, the Lions lost a game. He was such a great player, probably one of my favourites. And from today’s team, I really like the players that have been loyal to the club and perhaps don’t get enough credit, like Jackson Wray and Rotimi Segun, I really like him too, he’s coming on and really exciting players. You love those players, the ones that aren’t big, flash internationals but are really important to your club. 

Chris Oti did the survey on my house. He got injured and retired early but when he got the ball at Twickenham, he was the one that made the crowd hold their breath, he was so exciting. Years later, I had to get a survey on my house, and they said your chartered surveyor would be Chris Oti, and I thought, ‘it can’t be’, but it was and when he arrived the poor sod had me around the house, going I remember when you scored four tries against Romania. I love those players that get you so excited when they touch the ball.

I’m glad I have the excuse of dodgy knees because I’m far too sensitive to be a good rugby player. So many players say they actually love being hated, Ugo Monye told me he loved those away games when they're booing you as you run. But I find it really sad. I remember doing a piece to camera at the Quins game recently and I went up to one Quins fan to ask him what he thought and he said, ‘honestly, what I think about Saracens isn’t suitable for Quins’. I wanted to say, ‘you stupid prick, grow up, people love having the baddie that makes them feel so right about everything’. We weren’t winning finals by fifty points, it was all close, and as for Munster, Leinster fans having a go, oh please, shut up, you’re not even under the same rules, you’ve got a massive advantage... So, yeah, I get angry about that.

Ugo Monye is the nicest man. He knows the game really well and then you have idiots like me and Andrew Maxwell trying to take the piss out of him. We’ve also got Mike Bubbins, he knows a lot, but for me and Andrew, who said, ‘I’ve got real imposter here’. Ugo is nicest man though, I have a running gag about him not being that good, which is so unfair. He’s a British & Irish Lion! Yet my constant joke is ‘yeah, you weren’t that good’.

I’m a middle-aged man living my dream. I’m like a little kid surrounded by all my heroes. If my dad was alive, he’d be going ‘wow, you’re meeting all these guys...’. When you chat to someone like Kelly Brown, and he’s sort of become a mate, and you’ve got to keep that part of it, the bit where you think ‘oh my god Kelly, I think you’re fantastic’. But you are just so impressed by what these men have achieved. And the women too. I love Marlie Packer as a player, just really down-to-earth. But brilliant.